My New Motivation.
2023 has been eventful in many dimensions. I recall my intentions with the new year early in January. The same things I’ve typically wanted in the past. More money, six-packs and better grades since I was already performing badly at college work.
I was able to stay consistent with some of my objectives through the early months, working out regularly, and keeping abreast with my money motors as I like to call them. I made some progress, perhaps not as much as I would have desired — and the truth is, I didn’t put as much effort into bringing the results I wanted. I can look with reflection and admit this to myself.
In July, I travelled home for a two-week holiday, which ended up becoming six weeks. Six weeks of reflective experience. Beyond the excitement of seeing my family and old friends, the real intrigue was from the conversations that transpired through the weeks while I was on holiday.
August particularly was the month I experienced many truths and became aware of how much I had grown in the many months leading up to August. Before taking my trip home, I had wondered if I had progressed much and if this growth was obvious — so my folks could be proud of me. However, I was looking at the wrong metrics.
My bank balance wasn’t far off from the digits of a radio frequency, I still didn’t have a six-pack nor was I dripping in Christian Dior (I own a fake Bottega Shirt if that helps). Yet, I was better. I knew I was better and my belief in this somehow found its way to shine through the moments. Of course, I still had to deal with the logistics of not having money in the bank as I couldn’t afford the multiple dates that seemed necessary, or taking off my shirt during that imaginary beach trip. Still, I made do with what I had and stayed content with it.
Most of my hours during the holiday were spent on resting for the most part — all the activities I did were recreational, but still, there were many moments of tough and reflective conversations with my family and friends.
Our conversations stirred through multiple aspects of our lives as individuals and as a group and then I became increasingly aware that my motivation for many things was not consistent with my character.
This awareness revealed multiple holes in my process and approach to how I handled perhaps every aspect of my life including my spirituality, physicality and masculinity. I wasn’t doing anything truly for myself but mainly for the appraisal I desired from everyone else.
“I couldn’t see I was cheating on me — Burna Boy, I told them.”
Reconciling this truth with my long-held convictions was the hardest part of the experience. With hours of silent reflections on how I’ve lived and acted through the year, it didn’t take long to outline what I knew was necessary — I must begin living or me.
My goals didn’t precisely change, in fact, I had new ones to add to the nearly infinity list but what did change was my reason for these goals. I had to take the time to answer if what I wanted was particularly for myself and my growth or if it was to get the next-door neighbour to see I was the better man and admit it. Mainly, I had to let go of my own vanity.
Of course, I am not free of all my vanities yet I am aware they exist and conscious of the multiple ways they manifest.
I don’t want a six-pack solely for being sexy in the summer (of course I always want to be sexy in the summer) but the habits surrounding the effort including the discipline are a brilliant add-on for myself. I don’t want money so I can throw at strippers (erm, well) — I want the options money will allow me to exercise when I begin a project in any aspect of my life and its extension. I don’t desire better grades for the bragging rights they allow but for the affirmation that I can stay dedicated to something that isn’t particularly fun for me and still excel.
I am not saying I am bent on becoming a selfish prick but yes, I am choosing to be selfish with the reasons for my desires. To do for myself, to become better for myself, to live better for myself — because it is when I become sufficient for myself, only then can I be sufficient for others.
My new motivation is me.
WILLIAMS FALODUN.
